The Inner Critic

The start of my 39th year has begun. Over my time at home this year something in me had changed. I started seeing patterns in my mother, grandmother, and even siblings. Patterns that I too have shared, those passed down through generations. These things no longer add value to who I am and the life I want to lead. I have spent decades denying my own critical voice and allowing it to evoke shame and guilt around my own desires. I have pushed the critic aside when it called me fat. Loathing the self I saw in the mirror. I believed the words the critic said as truth. I hated myself for not being a certain way, or even feeling a certain way. I listened to the critic when it called me 'lazy'. Instead of taking action, I rebelled against my critic 'saying so what', which only produced more shame and in-action that I deemed 'lazy'. I clung to the idea that somehow my laziness was evil and bad. I see now that this limited my own strength and power. 

I listened through countless times when the critic said, “You Can't" or "You're not able". I heard the critic tell me that I was not enough. I believed this Critic for decades, from the 5 year old girl who was abandoned by her father through to the 31 year woman who had her heart broken by her first romantic relationship. She had waited to give her heart out of fear of this Critic. 

Today, I saw the truth. I understand the Critic was there to keep me down. It was safe to be close to the ground. The critic was not always my own voice, but far too often the voice of others. I had learned at an early age that their voice was more valuable than my own. The Critic repeated itself so often it was difficult to ignore. It even carved out neural pathways and habits that were contradictory to who I have always been or wanted to be. This created the expectation that I needed to be small, to take up less space. I could not use my voice, for the lie of it being harmful toward others was louder than my own truth. 

I can understand now that the lie might have only been there for nothing but protection. Or to provide the false sense of protection that being small had given me from an early age. Like most humans on this planet, I have experienced trauma. From the age of 1 to 5 I was spoiled. At the age of 5 my younger brother was born. For the first time in my life I was no longer the center of my parents' universe, as one might not expect when a sibling enters the picture. I love being a  sister, and would never trade it for anything. Yet, this does not diminish that the first lesson I had in playing small came with the addition of my brother. All of a sudden my needs and desires were less important than that of this helpless baby that joined the family. I don't think a spoiled five year old has the know-how to understand the change that occurs in this circumstance. 

Then you add on top of this major life change, the trauma of domestic violence between my parents. The careless free spirited child that loved to sing and dance and be the center of attention, no longer felt safe enough to take up space. So, she started a life long practice of playing small. Anytime she felt unsafe, she would hide herself. Now, I am not in the blame game, for my parents were doing what they knew best. Nor am I blaming my brother for being born. It just was, and I am grateful to be the big sister. I can also recognize that had I not gotten so good at being small, there could have been situations in my early life when it wasn't safe to take up space. If I hadn't experienced these things in my life, I would not be the person writing this story. The person who understands being small no longer serves who she is inside. How can one understand their significance if they never knew what it was like to be insignificant? 

I am significant and valuable, just like each and everyone of us are. Yes, God made us and that has great value. God made the stars and planets too. Their significance does not have more value than our existence. For without them could we even be here? 

Recently I started practicing morning gratitude meditations. I heard something a few weeks ago in one of the guided meditations that has stuck with me. It pointed out that everything we have, from the food we eat, to the walls of our homes, to the jobs we have, all are in existence because someone else created, built, grew, and managed it. The collective has value in our lives. I have never thought about the impact others have in the things that I use to meet my human needs. This insight showed me more appreciation for each and everything I have and use. This level of gratitude showed me a deep layer of desire that I had the illusion of possessing. In my early 20s I thought I had learned to love myself. Although I recognize now that there were layers to loving myself I had not claimed. One around my body and the shame I have which keeps me hidden. 

There is nothing I wouldn't do to feel the love of self. It was brought to my attention that I have a habit of putting everyone else's needs ahead of my own. Yet, another example of how I play small. I see this as a pattern I learned well from my mother. It's not a bad thing to do. The problem that arises like most things in life is when there is excess. Eating too much causes a stomach ache. Too much sun can lead to a sunburn. When we live in excess our lives are impacted more negatively than if we just have our needs met. What happens when you never think about your own wants and needs? Having too little can also have a negative impact. Not enough sunlight leads to a vitamin deficiency. Not enough food leads to starvation and muscle deterioration. Focusing on everyone else's opinions of yourself can lead to poor self-esteem. Where is the balance? When other opinions have more weight than your own, and this influence drives your decisions, I have learned this is when you no longer are living in authenticity. 

My imaginative happy place has always been alone in a field, dancing and spinning like I did as a little girl. This place was before my brokenness taught me to be small. Before I lost the value | held to other's opinions. Nothing matters in my happy place. All that exists is the feeling of joy and warmth. I so often take in-action towards the life and adventures I want to lead. I take in-action towards change because the critic whose deepest desire is my protection wants to keep me small. The critic thinks it's too hard to change. Yet, as I reflect on this last year of my 30s, I examine what I want it to be and embody. I see laid before me the words 'change anew'. I am going to move forward and thank the critic each time it says not to do something. I am going to thank it for wanting to protect me. Then I will make the intentional decision if the choice serves my authenticity. 

I am going to set intentions this last year of my 30s to add new healthy habits that will teach myself about the value I hold without others' opinions. I want to be the me I know I am. I want to be ok with my own limitations while still pursuing new challenges. I want to love myself fully, and allow that self-love shape my daily decisions. I want to find Love again, having released any self 

doubt I have when it comes to the value I bring to relationships with others. I want to take adventures. I want to rock at my job and fully understand that the grass is always green as long as you cultivate it right where you are. I want the last dead roots to be pruned so that new growth can form. I want to change my role and the dynamic part I have within my family. I want to celebrate the end of my 30s and my 40th birthday with a bang and tons of friends close by. I want to learn to let my light shine like the star I have always been. All this and more. The journey is not over, only just beginning anew.

— Private Client who wishes to remain anonymous